[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
In case you needed to hear it:
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.