My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
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I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable