I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
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it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.