Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
What a year we’ve had this week.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
I wish this was real life…
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?