Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.