I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels