i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The best shot in the history of golf
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.