I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
You Might Also Like
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
umm…
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat