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i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise