Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like