[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”