Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768