WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
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me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.