A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS