There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
some Old Testament wisdom
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
just pretend nothing happened
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
selena gomez
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.