PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO