Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Teamwork makes the dream work.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.