wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.