[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?