COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.