My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Confused owl: What?!
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.