Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.