My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
You Might Also Like
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute