it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
You Might Also Like
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Boom, boom, ching!
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.