Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
You Might Also Like
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…