The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Best table by far
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me, flirting😏
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are