(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
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When you can’t find your friend Neil
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap