A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
called in thicc to work this morning
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer