I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
🚲+physics = winner
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
podcasts
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.