“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka