Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.