If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.