date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
X-tra spooky blend
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Love is always patient and kind.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.