My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Tier 3 meme
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not