some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Children of the corn 🌽
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it