Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Owl Sanctuary
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application