On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
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Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.