You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Carpe DM
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.