For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.