Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.