No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
You Might Also Like
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Whoa 😂
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.