Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.