just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.