[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
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Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date