When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
You Might Also Like
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion