I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
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Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.