People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
the greatest twitter interaction
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter