*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Running from your problems is cardio .
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies