The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
he’s doing your taxes
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.