me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Feels
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
she has a point
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah